Dear Baby Number 3

Good afternoon readers,

Many of you who have been friends with me for years may have seen posts of infertility struggles back in 2012/2013. On my wedding night, April 22nd, 2012, my husband and I decided we were going to try for baby #3. Our son Spencer was 7 months old, and our daughter Lacey was 2 and a half, and we wanted another little one to complete our family. Months went by with no success, and I posted sad updates on Facebook not able to understand why I was not getting pregnant. I already had 2 children, so what was wrong?

We reached the 2 year point with still no success in getting pregnant. 24 months, of tears, that failure feeling, and hundreds of dollars wasted on pregnancy tests. My heart could almost not handle more of those emotions. So many things had changed in our lives, as my husband left for the Navy, and we continued trying after he completed basic training. My posts on Facebook were no longer about our journey to have a 3rd baby, because so often it was a broken record, so I stopped telling people or posting about it. It was easier at this point to say we didn't want more kids, or that we were done trying. I tried to convince myself of that many times, but I was never really done trying, even when I said I was. We never stopped trying. 

Another year of failed attempts passed despite doing EVERYTHING as perfect as possible (i'm talking charting basal body temperature, tracking ovulation, taking vitamins, tracking MY CERVIX! eww...) It was time we saw a fertility specialist, which was long overdue. 

Our fertility specialist put us through more tests and procedures than I ever thought I would endure, but I was willing because at this point, there was a hole in my heart that needed that final baby. My kids were getting older... They were both in school all day and I was feeling like I had no purpose and that my worth as a woman was decreasing as my fertility was failing me. 

I did an HSG. This is a test where they push dye directly into your uterus through a tube with a balloon at the end to check if your fallopian tubes are blocked. I had so much anxiety over this test that I cried for weeks leading up to it, because I knew it was going to hurt. I was terrified, but I was honestly hoping my tubes would show up blocked because at that point, at least we would have answers and a new path to a solution. My tubes were clear, and we left that procedure just as clueless as before. I had so much blood drawn for so many tests and I didn't even flinch at the poke of the needle anymore. I had to give myself shots in my stomach, and I had more doctors with bright lights between my legs than I ever care to have again.

My husband was told he had a low sperm count, which was unfortunate, and that IUI (intrauterine insemination, where they concentrate his sperm through a cycle at a facility and then put it into my uterus directly via a tube put through my cervix) was our only hope for success. We tried IUI after IUI... No success.

Clomid was the medication they put me on to start. Clomid is made to help women ovulate, but my body already appeared to ovulate just fine on its own, so at this point I was just being experimented on. Clomid makes your estrogen go through the roof so as a result, I got moody, tired, and a ton of acne which put my self esteem in the dumps. Each month they increased my dosage on Clomid until last month, when I ended up having SIX mature eggs because of it. This is a LOT, and we were told we had extremely high risk for multiples. This was the month, I had mild OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, where your ovaries basically get overwhelmed, and swell up painfully) and was in pain most of the month. This month was rough. I didn't sleep well, I was in constant pain in areas that I had never felt before (because you don't typically FEEL your ovaries) and I was feeling defeated. Its been FIVE AND A HALF YEARS at this point of trying for baby #3. 

I bet you're expecting a pregnancy announcement huh? I wish I could do that, believe me. as we approach the end of this month, I have officially hit my brick wall. I physically can NOT handle much more, and the medication is making me miserable. At this point, the only way we could have another baby would be IVF (in vitro fertilization, which is about $13,500-$20,000) and I just cant put that in our future. So here we are, giving it all to God, and officially being DONE trying. Done with the medications. Done with the procedures. This doesn't mean "not trying, but not preventing, wink wink," it means we are putting it out of our minds entirely because it was consuming me in a way that was so depressing. There is no room for grey space, there is only trying, or not trying with me because I will ALWAYS know when I'm ovulating, and I will ALWAYS pay attention to symptoms "just in case." We are 100% done. So here is my letter to you, dearest baby #3...

Dear Ricky Rowan Bronish, or Nyla Grace Bronish, 

I hope you know how much you were wanted. I hope you know how far we went looking for answers to bring you into existence. I refinished your dresser months ago, and filled it with baby clothes and a new diaper bag, and new bottles, and a brand new ergo baby carrier. I bought you a stroller, and a baby swing and we rebuilt you a beautiful crib. I spent countless hours sewing baby blankets that I could use for you, and I couldn't wait to wrap you up in my beautiful creations. I even had a pregnancy announcement photo ready to use for you. 

 We tried honey, we tried SO HARD. You were a very real person in our future, we saw it everyday. We just knew we would meet you one day, and we had so much faith that if we just kept trying, you would surprise us. Last month was hard on me though, and I spent a lot of time unable to even care for Lacey or Spencer when I was in pain because of the medication, so we have to stop trying... I want you to know that you were a very real person to me, and would have been so happy here had we gotten the chance. I don't know what we are going to do with all of this baby stuff, but I'm so painfully attached to all of it and I need time to heal. My stomach is sick just thinking about this being the end, and I am in tears typing this. We loved you far before existence, and maybe that's crazy. I don't regret trying though, and I'll see you in my dreams kiddo....
-Mom

To all of you, here's what I want you to know: If you are pregnant now, I do NOT resent you, or have hard feelings towards you for having what I wanted so badly. I am absolutely happy for you and will never be sour towards your accomplishments. I am not ok, but I will be. It does hurt tremendously making the final call to be done, and its hard to talk about. I do absolutely love my children, and they were always just as important to me. But mostly, I will be ok.