Welcome back family.
Sorry for the title, it will make sense here in a few. I wish I could tell you guys that this post was another smooth sailing description of my life, but lets be real... My life is smooth sailing because I choose to roll with the punches and make the most of it, not because I'm without everyday stresses and struggles.
I love that my weight loss journey inspired so many people, and that my transparency allowed people to see the real, raw process. I showed you my self hatred, my emotions, my tears and my weaknesses and stayed transparent as I overcame all of those and learned to love myself. Being truthful and honest with all of you helped keep me accountable in a way, but I also know it made your own journey seem more realistic and attainable. Its been 6 years since the day I hit my "wall" and officially couldn't take another day in my 240 pound body. Within that 6 years, I lost 100 pounds, became certified as a personal trainer in 5 different areas, was featured all over the internet, cracked under pressure to look perfect, battled bulimia (and won,) got divorced, moved cross country, trained so many AMAZING clients, gained back 30 pounds, lost it again, gained back 40 pounds, switched careers entirely, and tried to keep myself together in the process. Its not that its hard to keep the weight off, the hard part is keeping the same level of motivation when your life and you as a person change. We all do that. That is so fucking hard, pardon my language.
I quit my job as a personal trainer in May 2019, in the middle of giving all I had to my clients and making sure they had the most supportive personal trainer in existence, and my reasoning was that I needed something more. I needed something that was going to pay the bills better and be more stable. I decided to get licensed as a real estate agent in Virginia and took a leap of faith that this was my calling. Perhaps I was running away from something. See, in that timeline above, it says "gained 40 pounds back, switched careers entirely..." and that was all written in order. I gained 40 pounds back and have yet to lose it again because I let stress take over, and I chose to not control the way I eat when I'm stressed out. I switched careers because I was embarrassed to be such a heavily certified personal trainer and look anything other than perfect. Personal trainers are especially prone to disordered eating because everyone forgets we are human too, and the expectation to look flawless is strong - not to mention the way we look impacts our credibility to the public, although it shouldn't.
That's my mistake guys, because from the beginning I've preached to you guys that you have to forgive yourself for being HUMAN and approach your journey focusing on what you have to GAIN versus what you have to lose. You don't take this journey to fix yourself or to make yourself happy, or to make someone love you more... That mindset will only lead you down a rabbit hole of self hatred and you'll end up with an eating disorder the same way I did, You take this journey to focus on how STRONG you can become, how FAST you can run, how unapologetically BAD ASS you can feel and to be the best version of an ALREADY PERFECT YOU that you can be.
I let myself slip, and I gained weight back. To be exact, I weighed in at 194.2 pounds this morning. I am 5'6" so to put that into perspective, that's a size 12/14 in jeans for me. I am not proud of that number, but I want to point out a few things. I have NOT fallen back into bulimia, even with my weight gain. I have continued to live in my current body and celebrate it at its thicker size, positively (most of the time.) I knew I wasn't ready to get back up and take control again, but I chose to see the positive in that and focus on other things so that it didn't eat me alive the way it would have years ago. That's growth guys... that's pure and absolute positive growth from years of learning how my emotions work, and how easily I can fall into a dark place.
Anyhow, I got home last night and my "wall" was waiting for me I guess, because I hit that wall again and from previous experience, that's usually the start of something awesome. If you don't know what I mean by my wall, let me explain. We can all yo-yo diet for years. We start, give up, start, give up, and get no where for a long time. That's normal and it sucks, but its part of the process. One day you will wake up so uncomfortable in your own body, that the thought of doing the scary things to change it, seem easier than staying the same. That's your wall. That's your point of no return.
I have lost 100 pounds before and I can do it again. This time, I have about 55 pounds to lose. I know that posting about it keeps me accountable, so you can count on seeing it in my facebook group, my status, my instagram and wherever else I can manage to keep myself accountable. Those of you who have weight to lose, let's do this together, because it takes a village to grow as a person too, and we all need support. Day 1, 194.2 pounds...
Sarie Anne
Certified Elite Trainer (even if I gained some weight back)
Unapoligetically Bad-Ass.
