Lets get this show back on the road.
My "Dear Fat Girl" letter went viral in 2015 - and started a hurricane of journeys that would all eventually land me in a place where I was both inspiring, and terrified all at the same time.
( if you havent seen that before, --> https://sarieland.blogspot.com/2014/09/dear-fat-girl.html )
So here's the thing though... Life kicked my ass after that. I got divorced, I ended up in an abusive relationship, I swapped careers, and I ate my feelings away because I felt so defeated, that I sabotaged the success I had in my life. It was as if somehow, I felt like I didn't deserve it anymore. Long story short, I gained all 100 pounds back, + a little extra, you know, just to be an overachiever. Anyhow, as I trail through life picking pieces back up, kicking ass and taking names, moving mountains to get ME back, I have one last thing I need to address within myself... My weight. I've avoided acknowledging it thus far, but after kicking ass and taking names, this is my last step to freeing myself.
Dear Fat Girl was the start of my success once before, and tried and true, it will be the start of it again, but with a different focus this time. Dear Fat girl before, was a letter of pain, and focusing on the things I hated about myself, and the pain I was causing myself. It was the rock bottom of sadness, and a desperate cry for a "fix" as if I was not a valuable human until I made myself fit by society's standards. While this did fuel me, it left a lot of self doubt along the way, and it left me with the inability to still accept myself in the end. I hadn't realized how powerful forgiveness could be back then, so today I forgive you, fat girl.
Dear Fat Girl,
I know that it's frustrating right now. I know. I notice that I don't really look at myself in the mirror anymore, and I don' t really get dressed outside of sweats and baggy shirts anymore. I won't be caught dead in photos, and I have grown uncomfortably comfortable with this belly roll, as I tuck my phone under it when I sit down. That alone is horrifying, but I laugh because that hides the vulnerability right? If I joke about myself and my weight, no one can hurt me with it, right? I pretend that I don't really notice, but I notice. I just know better now than to think about it for too long, because I have been down those dark roads of self loathing and deprecation. I have done my share of tearing myself down farther than anyone else would ever tear me down. I've devalued myself FIRST so that others couldn't devalue me due to my weight... Ironic huh? I've fantasized about BEING someone else. Believe me, I know.
Walking is not supposed to be difficult - what the hell have I done? When I walk up the stairs, I am embarrassingly out of breath, and I can't sit criss-cross anymore without pain in my left knee and both hips. This is a bigger problem because I need to be able to live long enough to watch my kids get married... I need to not let them down as a mother... I need to be able to WALK. My feet hurt, everyday now. As soon as I get out of bed in the morning, the pain is sharp, and I have to just push through it, knowing that I did this to myself. The kids notice now too, and they pity me for it - that doesn't feel good at all. I can feel the pit in my stomach getting louder and louder everyday that I try to ignore it. I have a closet full of clothes I can't wear anymore, and a Facebook full of followers that I don't post to anymore. I am so worried that I've let them all down... They followed me for inspiration and while I did provide that, what am I now? I'm not ok, and I need to be able to admit this if I ever want to fix this. I need to stand in this moment, acknowledge where I am, and let every step that led me here be in the past. It happened, let it go. I need to forgive those steps that led me here, and take one step forward at a time.
Fat Girl, I forgive you for the way you judged yourself when you stepped on the scale today and saw 250 pounds. I saw the way you looked at yourself in the mirror with such disgust, the way you would NEVER look at another human. I forgive you, for thinking that you are a failure, as you look through old photos of yourself after you lost 100 pounds, only to gain it back. You never cut yourself even a little bit of slack, or gave yourself grace when you deserved it, and I forgive you for that too. I forgive you for wallowing in your pain when you knew it wouldn't help you, and for pretending you couldn't hear it when your inner self was BEGGING and kicking and screaming for you to just get up and walk... to do something, anything to not go back there. I forgive you for believing you didn't deserve the good things, and for subconsciously punishing yourself by sabotaging your weight loss until you were all the way back where you started. I FUCKING FORGIVE YOU. You know the thing about starting at the beginning again? You know better. You know better than to let a day off track derail your week. You know better now, than to go into this as a way to "fix" yourself as if you don't have value. You didn't know that last time. You know better now, to give yourself the grace you offer others, and to take care of yourself in the process. You know now that life is happening, every day of the process, not just at the end, and to LIVE everyday of it deservingly. I forgive you for not knowing these things before.
I forgive you Fat Girl. I forgive you and I will forgive you every time you find yourself feeling less than you deserve, because I know you will identify those moments now. I forgive you because you are human, and an ever evolving human at that. You have so much on your plate at all times, and I forgive you for letting your own needs be the ones that slacked while you made the world everything your kids needed. I forgive you for taking this long to forgive yourself. There will not be a day that goes by from here forward, that I don't remind myself that every step in my journey, even backwards, I grow and become wiser. Sure I need to lose 100 pounds again, but this is so much more than that. I need to feel the sun on my face again without guilt. I need to get out of this 9-5 (that's really like a 9 to 4825793 as often as I work overtime until nothing is left) and discover my potential. I need to see what I was put on this earth to do and not spend it working, paying bills, eating, and taking one step closer to the end of the game without even playing. So fat girl, I forgive you. The past is behind us, we are letting it go. If we could do this once before, with not even half of the amount of knowledge and wisdom that you have today, we can do this again, more meaningfully. I deserve each day that I get to open my eyes in the morning. I deserve to LOVE everyday as I am, while I discover who and what I can be. I deserve all of the love, that I so freely offer other people, and I deserve the success that comes from this.
Sincerely,
Sarie.
P.S. I forgive you for calling me Fat Girl for so long, and muting my identity.
