It's been 10 months and 22 days since I gathered up the strength to leave you for the very last time. In the last 10 months, you have sent me 66 emails, called me hundreds of times from random numbers, left items on my porch, sent me hurtful text messages, and found any way to reach out to tell me that you are suffering because I left you. You wanted me to know that you have fallen into the darkness and can not get up because I left you. You wanted me to know that you were suicidal because I left you. You wanted me to know that you felt utterly alone, because I left you. I'm not even sure you listened to me to hear exactly WHY I left you.
Its been 10 months and 22 days, and I never got the opportunity to tell you tell you what I felt for the TWO YEARS we were together, and so I do believe it's my turn.
I watched you fall apart. I was there from the moment you broke the very first time, until the very end. I wish I could say all I did was watch, from a distance, but instead I dove headfirst into your pool of darkness and swam with every ounce of life I had in me to try and save you. You didn't see that because you were too busy making waves and getting upset at me for not being able to swim in them.
I met a mild mannered young man, in the process of a gender transition, but who had not yet started the hormonal transition process. You were kind and funny, and charming. I have always been the type to push people towards their goals, and perhaps that was where I failed. I helped you set up the appointment to get started on testosterone, and as you grew into the man you wanted to see in the mirror, your anger grew with you. I began walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting you, and God forbid there be a change in my work schedule, because you did NOT handle change well at ALL.
Fighting with you was never productive. You were never actually interested in solving the disagreement, you were only ever interested in being upset at me for having a different viewpoint, and rather than trying to understand mine to at least understand me a little better, you proceeded to drown me with your words until I had nothing left but the ability to sit there silently, and then you would escalate. You slammed doors, screamed, threw things, sometimes AT me, slammed your head into walls and kicked doors, put holes in the walls, and destroyed items that were sentimental to me as a way to "show me how I made you feel." I'm here to tell you that you are responsible for the way you feel, and that you do not, as a grown adult, have the right to project or blame your unhappiness on me. I will not accept that responsibility any longer.
it's been 10 months and 22 days and you still show up in my dreams as they shift into nightmares. I cant explain why the dream always turns so dark as soon as I see your face. You showed up in an attic space in one of my dreams, and shortly thereafter, everything started to fall dark and I woke up in a cold sweat, and couldn't fall back asleep. The damage you did is inside of me and its taking me 10 months and 22 days to realize the extent of what you did to me.
You've sent me 66 long, drawn out emails. They always say something sad because you know that I am highly empathetic and you have always used that against me. You tell me that you hate me, that you wished you'd never loved me, you wish you had never met me, that you hope I see you one day at your best and that you get the chance to walk by me and not even stop. You follow those emails with another, saying that you are sorry for what you said when you were drunk, and that you are so alone and that you have no one anymore. The problem is, I have blocked you on every form of communication and you still find another way to reach out. You've even created a new email address, and shown up at my old address to drop off a box of all of the old cards and letters I had given you from when we were together. It's just not enough for you for some reason, it's like you thrive on hurting me.
You were always threatened by anyone who was close to me, even though you wouldn't dare admit that. You would say awful thing about my best friend, to drive a wedge between us, and then you would say awful things about the company I worked for until you had talked me into quitting. You liked to say that you were only supporting me, and not controlling me, but you never liked it when I was away, even if it was at work to pay the bills that you were not helping me with. I was working 40-60 hour weeks WITH my kids at work with me so that you could sit at home and cry about needing a mental health day for the 11th time in one week while I drained the life out of myself to pay the bills and still come home to the toxic energy you were serving me on a silver platter.
It's been 10 months and 22 days, and while I do recognize how abusive this relationship was for me, and still continues to be after the fact, I also recognize that I loved you truly, and deeply which was the very core of the reason that I allowed you to deplete me of everything that made me happy, as I tried to save you. It turns out you never wanted to be saved, you just didn't want to go down alone on a sinking ship that you wrecked yourself.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am NOT in any way bashing mental health issues. I walked through FIRE to help you when you needed to rest... But no one ever stops to see what mental health issues can do to the other person. The person being projected upon. The person who is always in the line of fire. I hope you get the help you need, and I do hope that you reach your best. I hope that one day you might read this and for the first time, see just the smallest glimpse of what this was like on the other end. it's been 10 months, and 22 days, and I'm here to tell you I'm unsubscribing to any further abuse.
"Yesterday was heavy, put it down."
