Dear Anxiety

I know it's been said time and time again, but having anxiety is terrible. Its a level of terrible that only YOU can feel, inside your body, that no one else seems to grasp. I'm not saying it's as bad as cancer obviously, but just because there are WORSE conditions out there doesn't mean that we aren't allowed to point out the struggle in what we (we with anxiety) deal with.

Anxiety can literally ruin an otherwise good experience for someone. For example, myself, my husband and my 2 children went to the drive in theater to see the new Pirates movie. This is a drive in that is particularly busy on opening nights. They have a huge playground set up in the very front of each screen for kids to utilize while we await the movie. We were parked about 10 rows back from the playground, and my husband and kids got out of the car to head to the playground. I was in the passenger seat, and was looking around at all of the people and vehicles around us before I realized that I had no idea where my husband and kids had gone. I stared at the playground in the distance, and couldn't seem to locate them. I knew they were down there, but there were also a million other people and children down there.

I couldn't get out of the car. It was like a paralyzing fear of having to "wander aimlessly" with people looking at me, that kept me stuck in the passenger seat of my empty mini van. I pep-talked myself at least 10 times, all ending with me feeling like a small vulnerable fish in a very large tank of sharks.

That's how it feels though. sometimes, even when no one else can see an issue, it's an issue for us. My brain has triggers that signal a self preservation instinct, and all of the sudden I am avoiding crowds, overthinking situations, and playing scenario after scenario over in my head. Anxiety causes us to feel the need to be prepared for any and all possible situations, just in case. something as simple as going to the park could potentially have so many situations, and my brain feels the need to be prepared for ALL OF THEM. Anxiety forces us to plan, and plan, and plan again. We need plans for our plans, and a 4 year plan, and a just in case plan, and a plan C, D, and E.

When its quiet, I often find myself playing situations that have happened over and over in my head, but picturing how the outcome would've been if I had done something slightly different. It feels like you're obsessing over a past situation, but in reality you are just trying to find a sense of control over the situation. I do this when I'm folding laundry, washing dishes, or even vacuuming. My brain just sort of goes on auto-pilot and over analyzes past situations to make sure I didn't do or say something wrong unintentionally. The next thing I know, I am feeling overwhelmed with all of the possibilities and it feels like my world is falling apart and that I am failing at life. It suddenly feels like everything is crashing down on me at once.

What if? What if I get to this birthday party, and none of the other parents talk to me? What if I look like a loner? What if I drop my slice of cake on their carpet by accident and they all stare at me? What if there are thousands of other people there? What if I am dressed completely wrong for this event?! We feel the need to be prepared for ALL of these situations, and it is easy to become overwhelmed and suddenly not want to go... Or you want to, but you just can't... You want to get up, and you CAN'T. Suddenly 30 minutes has passed and you realize that you might not be able to tackle this one...

Me: We will enjoy this birthday party
Anxiety: You sure it wasn't just a pity invite?
Me: I want to go, they want me to go.
Anxiety: You were pity invited. They're hoping you don't show up.
Me: Well.....
Anxiety: A nap sounds better anyhow, trust me.
Me: ....Kay.....

Being a mom with anxiety is particularly hard. I feel like I let my kids down when I don't talk to other parents at their school or at the park. Talking to strangers is scary. I see the parents all clustered up in their groups, and I just stand there by myself waiting on the class to come outside. How do these parents know each other? No one appears to be extending a smile or visual invite to myself, so it must be ME. Something must be wrong with me, right? Do my kids have less friends because I am not hanging out with these people on weekends or during the summer? Does my anxiety make them resent me? I am blessed to have a wonderful husband who does not have anxiety, and he eases my stress in places where I find myself overwhelmed. I want to gather the courage to walk up to a crowd and say hi without being awkward, but once again, I physically can't. I feel frozen in place, heart beating fast, panicking inside.

Honestly, no post out there could really tell you what its like to have anxiety when it is so different to each person. I sometimes forget that there are actually people out there who don't feel like this regularly, what is that even like? Is it freeing? They must be happy and carefree, right? I don't know, I've never gotten the opportunity to not have anxiety. I make the most out of what I can each day with anxiety and I don't feel like I have a terrible life. I also don't ever want pity for it, just compassion sometimes because it really is a jumblefuck of emotions in my head all at once, and we do our best. If you do not have anxiety, talk to the person at the park who appears shy. They very well could be desperate for conversation but frozen with nerves. Lets all try to make this world feel a little more like a community. We all have differences, but we are all still people.